Sense and Sensibility-ness-ing-ly

I'd forgotten how disheartening it can be to remember you don't have a job to go back to after a day off... which is what my time feels like at the moment. Just a day off here and there that somehow has lasted a month.

When you have a job, life can be crazy busy. Stuff happening here and there, this pressure, that trip, this deadline, that staff/interpersonal issue - it all adds up to waiting to get out of there and home, away from it all. Then you go home and try to unwind and forget about work (that's if you're not working that night, or have a report to do, or some article to read or write). Then it's back to work tomorrow.

I find that at the moment I have too much free space in my head. It's now being used to over-analyse what went wrong in my last job that my boss so unceremoniously dumped me like yesterday's hero. That's a bad thing, because I know I was doing a good job and doing the right thing... he just didn't like me and is so emotionally disconnected he wouldn't know how to communicate if someone wrote him a letter and stuffed it down his throat.

That's all I'll say on that.

I'm working hard on looking. I've called in my network of vendors, friends, fellow geeks, people I know in recruitment, and checking places like it.seek.com.au far more frequently that I need to - it's not like the first person to apply gets the job(!). I'm just paranoid, and feeling pretty worthless to my family by knowing that, while we're not on the ropes financially yet, if I don't get a job at the end of the next 6 weeks we could be. Please understand that is not a grab for sympathy or a call for donations - that's just how it is. I'm confident I'll find a job by then, I'm just not sure it will be the right one. I'm working hard in trusting God and being patient (which is always a hard thing for little old me)... I know I am a competent, strategic, hard-working, strong technical leader and manager. I am working so hard to convince anyone who'll sit down long enough that I am the person they need to revolutionise their IT department. Soon... someone will believe me, and they won't regret it.

Until then, I continue to battle my demons... the ones that whisper in my ear that I'm not good enough to be employed, that I have no idea what I am doing, and have no business managing a team of IT professionals. The ones that tell me that even though I've lost over 40kg I'm still fat and no one likes a fat person. The ones that tell me that I'm a crap father/husband/provider because I can't even keep a job. The ones that play on my personal fears and vulnerabilities and enhance and rub at them with their irritating sandpaper. It's a daily struggle to rise above all that. So far - I know I am good enough. So far...

...I can't be stuffed.

...I'm sooooo not motivated to do anything really... reviewing my life at the moment will only depress me more.

...if I do it will turn into a rant against IT recruiters and the shoddy disregard they show to job seekers who put actual effort into their resume and application, and then ignore them and refuse to return their phone calls.

...I'll only end up telling you how I put weight on when I went on my trip to Perth/Darwin where I worked my butt off for, it seems now, no real reason. I am struggling to lose this weight I have put back on, but am actually managing to get rid of a little.

..."My Kid's A Star" got shafted 30 min shows on Saturday at midday, and I only realised last Saturday and saw the second last one. At least I know for this Saturday to watch the final episode. I also remembered to tape the first "Flight of the Conchords" too - so at least now I have something to watch - thanks Channel 10 for FINALLY picking up something worthwhile to watch and subsequently burying it straight away. Could be worse... I could have become a fan of "Canal Road" which Channel 9 gave 2 weeks and then buried it so deep it's not even on the program. Ew.

...that's about all I can offer that is sensical and worth giving public voice to. Such is life...

I was putting Luke to bed and he was messing about so I said he had to have a good night's sleep as we had friends coming for lunch tomorrow.

He asked "What about daddy going to work?" and I said daddy would be here too, so he asked when would daddy go back to work.

"Daddy isn't working at that place anymore, he is going to get a different job, somewhere else".

Oh, thoughtful look. "So we can't go to the shops anymore" he said. Oh heck, how do I explain this to a 3 year old??? It wasn't exactly a question I had expected but clearly he understands that daddy goes to work so we can buy stuff.

"Yes, we can still go to the shops" I said.

And then, the ultimate statement "I will get a job so daddy doesn't have to work".

My precious sweet boy....I managed to hold back tears until I got out of there.

Just a quick one. Got 'dismissed' this morning, so I no longer work at the construction company I was working at. Not that long a story, but not one for here.

Will post more later, but just wanted to let you all know I'm looking for a job again... you know where to find me if you have any leads...